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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 30, 2012 9:00am-9:30am PST

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january 25, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart, we have a good one for you tonight. our guest is paula broadwell, a
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new book on david petraeus and from what i understand paula can and may crush me like a walnut. in her bare hands. now, lately obviously we've heard and the candidates running to be the republican nominee for president, but did you knee... were you aware? we already have a president. >> mr. speaker, the president of the united states! (cheers and applause). >> jon: last night, the current president strode to the podium to deliver a message to the citizens of this great nation. and obviously for a speech like this, joint session, you want to ease in. you want to warm up the crowd gradually. >> ♪ i'm so in love with you... (cheers and applause). >> jon: (humming) kidding around. he didn't open the state of thee
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union with an al greene song. he should have, though. >> for the first time two decades, osama bin laden is not a threat to this country. (cheers and applause). (laughter). >> jon: you open with "i killed bin laden"? you open with that? "hey, everybody, how you doing? you having a nice night? i (bleep)ing killed bin laden expwrnchts i killed him!" what are you doing? does rick springfield open with jesse's girl? no! he opens with "i've done everything for you" and transitions to "don't talk to strangers" slows it down with "affair of the heart" and then when you think it can't get any more (bleep)ing beautiful "jesse's girl"! and the place goes nuts! it goes nuts! (applause) sorry. sorry. it was the greatest night of my
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life. (laughter) anyway, where was i? state of the union. all right, you killed bin laden, what else you got? >> washington is broken. seems to get worse every year. some of this has to do with the corrosive influence of money in politics. the way congress does its business these days. who benefited from that fiasco? lower the temperature in this town. no side issues, no drama. the opponents of action are out of excuses. so far you vice president acted. >> jon: well, i guess what i'm saying, people in this room couldn't get laid in a whore house. (laughter) in a bag filled with (bleep). (laughter) hope and change 2012. cue the "rocky" theme. "i killed bin laden!" wait, if everybody there sucks, how are you going to get the voters on your side? perhaps you brought something in your goody bag, santa? >> we're providing new tax credits to companies that hire vets. if you're an american manufacturer you should get a bigger tax cut.
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if you're a high-tech meferrer we should double the tax deduction you get. extend the tuition tax credit we started. expand tax relief to small businesses. pass clean energy tax credits. create these jobs. (applause). >> jon: my god, he's tax credit oprah! (laughter) "you get a tax credit! you get a tax credit! everybody gets a tax credit! and then john travolta's coming!" wow, obama was killing it! i mean, nothing could stop his momentum. >> we got rid of one rule from 40 years ago that could have forced some dairy farmers 130-to-spend $10,000 a year proving that they could contain a spill because milk was somehow classified as an oil. and with a rule like that, i guess it was worth crying over spilled milk. >> jon: by the way, as inthob does comedy for a living, been
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there. and i can tell you from experience, the worst part isn't the crowd's reaction-- it's the wife's. >> with a rule like that, i guess it was worth crying over spilled milk. (laughter) >> jon: you know, what that face says? that face says "(bleep)ing told you that wasn't funny. i told you it wasn't funny." (laughter) spilled milk is not funny. not funny to me, not funny to children, it's not a joke. for me, cut atry the audience reactions is half the fun of the state of the union. clearly the director has gotten an advance copy of the speech so he can time each shot. when obama mentioned steve jobs, boom, cut away to mrs. jobs. mentions transportation cuts? secretary of transportation. watch what happens when he mentions israel. >> our ironclad commitment-- and i mean ironclad-- to israel's security has meant the closest
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corporation between our two countries in history. (laughter) >> jon: you mention israel and they cut to me, chuck schumer? i mean, there's lieberman, there's lautenberg, there's levin, that's just the "l" jews. (laughter) i mean... i mean, i'm a jew, i'm not "the" jew. (laughter) it's like the golden globes where any time anyone mentioned black people... >> our next presenter is british like me. what you don't know about him is he's very racist. very. (laughter) >> jon: wait, wait, where's the cast of "the help"? anyway, i don't envy the president's role of the state of the union. there's very it will that will can unite this very divided congress. green tax cuts get applause from democrats. expanded oil drilling gets it from republicans. very little to bring them to... well, one thing, actually. >> america is determined to
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prevent iran from getting a nuclear weapon and i will take no options off the table to achieve that goal. (cheers and applause). >> jon: wow. when did a new war in a middle east country become the american presidential equivalent of... i don't know, this. >> hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid! (cheers and applause) >> jon: so the president's speech... (applause). ... a laundry list of things he's done and gonna do. he mentioned the state of the union is strong and getting stronger. to the rebuttal. >> when president obama claims that the state of our union is anything but grave he must know in his heart that this is not true. >> jon: what's with mr. cranky pants. i guess somebody didn't kill bin laden. (laughter) actually, it's indiana govern mitch daniels channeling reagan's famed morning in america optimism but instead of morning it's evening and instead
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of optimism it's despair. here's some of the jump off the cliff notes. >> we're only a short distance behind greece, spain, and other european countries now facing economic catastrophe. the president has put us on a course to make it radically worse in the years ahead. the first generation in memory to face a future less promising than their parents. no nation, no entity, can thrive or survive intact with debt so huge as ours. we have a short grace period to deal with our dangers. the time is running out. if we drift paralyzed over a niagra of debt we will all suffer. thanks for listening. good night. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: as long as we're
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together mr. puddles nothing matters. either that dude is living in a health scape devoid of all oprah beauty or he's from indiana. boom! boom! (applause) now i really am going to get my ass kicked by paula broadwell because i just pull mid-back out. (laughter) but if mitch daniels delivered the warning mitt romney embody it had toll our troubles are taking. the normally in control and staid romney displayed that dancing hair cow lick and sweaty visage of a handsome seemingly normal step dad in a movie who loses his temper and accidentally beats someone to death with a golf club. "no son of mine loses the soap box derby!" blood, blood! (phone rings)s) hell 1234r0e all right, mitt, i guess it's good though, he's finally got fire in his belly. >> now he's talking about all these new ideas and what he's going to do?
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well, where was he during his first two years? why didn't he get these things done during his first two years? seriously. >> jon: you know, even when there's a fire inside mitt romney it's still just a weird electrical fi online dating services can get kind of expensive. so to save-money, i found a new way to get my profile out there. check me out. everybody says i've got a friendly disposition and they love my spinach dip. 5 foot ten. still doing a little exploring... on it. my sign is sagittarius, i'm into spanish cheese, my hairline is receding but i'm getting a weave. (falsetto chorus) getting a weave. who wants some ronald tonight!? geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more.
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. no state of the union address is complete without a full panel discussion to illuminate and analyze. >> i thought the president's speech last night was on point. >> it was a campaign speech. >> it was a strong and confident speech. >> it was entirely safe. >> very bipartisan. very acceptable. >> i didn't hear anything too inspiring. >> i think this speech in the end was a bit boring. >> and i thought he really hit it out of the park. >> it was great bad dull exciting. that was useless. (laughter) so panel discussions at this point are almost as rote as the president's speech itself. that's why our own (bleep)ing team doesn't get bogged down in pedantic partisan arguments about the words used or content. (laughter) (bleep)ing table on television analyzes this year's state of the union from the one perspective we never hear about-- without audio.
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(cheers and applause) welcome. samantha bee, wyatt cenac, al madrigal. they have all watched the state of the union address last night. >> yes, we did. >>. >> jon: and you watched it with the sound off. >> jim. >> airport. >> through a best buy window on the street. >> jon: all right. let's get your takes on the speech. al madrigal? >> my first thought was "what the hell was in joe biden's mouth?" look at him working it. is he trying to get peanut butter out of his gums? >> that's how they get horses to talk. >> i think it was a pubic hair. i hate that so much. >> well, pubic hairs they stick to peanut butter, right? >> oh, yeah, they do. believe me. i know. (laughter). >> jon: i think it was probably just like a lozenge of some sort. >> something he can chew on so he doesn't shout out "mother (bleep)er" for no reason. (laughter) >> not that you could blame him because that room is full of
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mother (bleep)ers. >> jon: why? did anything strike you? >> yeah, what the hell was that monster plant on that lady's jacket? i think it's the top of her head. >> i can't believe that thing didn't shout "feed me seymour." >> it's like a plant that can bite your head off. >> yes! >> jon, i'd like to recognize a moment of true transcendence captured by the cameras. >> jon: sure. >> god himself gave president obama his heavenly blessings. that is quite the endorsement in an election year. >> jon: sure. >> and a big (bleep) you to mitt romney. >> jon: big. (laughter) >> i'm sorry, who? >> jon: all right, did any of you catch the republican rebuttal by mitch daniels of indiana? >> oh, my god! is that who that was? >> jon: uh-huh. >> i thought that was the ghost of calvin coolidge. (laughter) >> that's ridiculous. the republican rebuttal was clearly a surrealist homage to
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"egg balance on top of a hat." >> jon: i got more of a "benjamin button" vibe. just a couple minutes before he gets super handsome. anybody? >> sorry, jon, please, if we're going with movies this is obviously "albert nobbs." it's glenn close dressed like a victorian gentlemen. >> i don't see it. >> wait for it. wait for it. okay. >> oh, yeah, all right. snoo. >> i thought that guy looked like one of those spooky portraits in a scooby do haunted house with the eyes that follow you. ruh-roh. >> jon: i get that. well, listen guys thanks so much for your analysis. this met all of my expectations. i think from now on panels shouldn't watch these speeches. >> i agree. >> well done. >> jon:
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back to the show, my guest tonight, a research associate at harvard university and a ph.d. candidate at the university of london. her book is called "all in: the education of general david petraeus." please welldom the program paula broadwell. (cheers and applause) >> jon: thank you for joining us. i haven't seen you since the triathlon we both did. >> you did great. really proud of you. keep after it. >> jon: the book is called "all in." now so the last time i recall a journalist or author with embedded... embedded with the person at this level it was mckrystal and it was "rolling stone" and he got fired.
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how did they let you... how did petraeus allow that? did he know you were there? were you, like, hiding? did he allow this? (laughter) >> i was an insurgent. no. i had been working on this project as my dissertation and when he went to afghanistan in the summer of 2010 i decided to turn it into a book and i shot him an e-mail and said "i'm going to go for it." i'm not sure he took me seriously but i showed up in afghanistan, sent him an e-mail and said "i'm here i'm doing this." as you know my background is the military and i went to the military academy also so i had a natural network to work with. >> jon: they trusted you a little bit more. and listen people in these book very rarely... they always think "i'll be the one to outsmart, i'll get the access." and it never... but in this... i mean the most controversial thing is i would say the real controversy here is is he awesome or incredibly awesome? it's a nice portrait. >> i have a detail to share with
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you. he can turn water into bottled water. >> jon: what? >> isn't that your line? >> jon: we did find out his nickname is peaches. (laughter) >> it was peaches when he was in... he was in high school and it followed him to west point and that stuck a bit. >> jon: well i think i stuck it in there right there. peaches. (laughter) he's taken on some of the most difficult nation building exercises that this count are has ever been involved with and yet he seems to just keep an incredible amount of energy and focus on it. is that your sense? >> he's a very high energy person and i think he does gain energy from feeling like he's consequential and making a difference and he loves serving and to be in the arena and so in some sense it was an honor for him and in a great sense it was an honor to go back to afghanistan and serve as a field commander again. >> jon: did you ever think...
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do you pinch him? it's the kind of a... did you just think "what's wrong with this cat? what's going on here?" he was shot and, like, they patched him up and six weeks later he was back out. i mean... >> he's had a couple, yes. he was injured in a free-fall parachute action and crushed his pelvis and it was back in the swimming pool swimming a mile a couple of months later... couple weeks later and then running nine months later. he was shot in the chest and he was doing pushups to get... improve and get out of the hospital and started running again. he just has a tenacious will and is relentless in whatever he does and i think getting back in the... >> jon: you're a runner and to get to know him, he wanted to run with you? so you ran together. >> this is a typical mechanism he uses to get to know young people. he's done it throughout his life so it was an opportunity for me to interview him on a run and i think it was... i was... i thought i'd test him but he was going to test me and it ended up
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being a test for both of us since we both ran quickly. but that was the foundation of our relationship. and when i was in kabul we would do a lot of interviews on runs. for him i think it was a good distraction from the war and, of course, he's a bit concerned that someone in his position would be about legacy and he also... from a mentoring point of view he wanted to help me from the project. for quite a while he thought i was only working on my dissertation so he was happy to facilitate that as he did with many other young students. >> jon: let's go back to the running thing. i have found on runs... (laughter). it is very difficult to conduct interviews because i'm having trouble, i guess, with, like a... i guess you would call it a burning sensation in my chest. (laughter) so i can't breathe. how... is it... what is it... does he drop his... do you ever feel like he drops his guard with you? how much of it do you think was him protecting a legacy. like at a certain point like ten
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miles in was he ever like "i don't know what i'm doing! i failed everyone that ever loved me!" like anything? >> no dirty secrets. he would just pick up the pace so neither of us could talk. >> jon: peaches. how does he get along with... do the other people in the chain of command resent his success? his reputation? is that a difficult thing? i know it's a political world. >> sure, he realizes that he's seen a bit as an ambitious individual. you want somebody who's ambitious and driven and has a will to win. i think that's exactly who you want and the type of leadership johns he's been in and i think it's put some of his peers at odds with him but in the same sense it's commanded great respect. i don't think there's any senior military leader or anyone who's worked closely with him that wouldn't acknowledge he goes all into what he does to help the organization succeed. >> jon: this strikes me as one of those stories. if this were... it's hard not to imagine him running for president. it's hard not to imagine someone in this position running for president. do you think that is the... see,
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you're smiling as though that came up at like mile 15. (laughter) like at what... is he running for president at some level? some... is he that... he's a long-term strategic thinker. >> no, he's not. my husband want miss toe say he is because it will sell more books. (laughter) sorry, honey, i couldn't do it. (laughs) (cheers and applause) >> jon: that was the most awesome sellout i have ever seen in my life! that was one of those like i was just about to do it... "honey, i can't! i just can't do it!" so integrity's running in the whole family, i guess. so here's what we're going to do. we're going to go to commercial break. there's a great juicy anecdote in there about his plans for the presidency. (laughter) i'm trying to help you out. "all in" is on the bookshelves. when we come bk we have a thing we're going to do to raise
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some money for some wounded warriors and it's a physical challenge so my guess is... (cheers and applause) my guess is i'm going to end up owing more money than paula is. (laughter) thank you very much for coming on the program. the book is "all in." paula broadwell. (cheers and
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our

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